Wups!
by Hal Swift

As heard on the Good Stuff with Jim Thompson

A young gunslinger comes inta the bar,
an' spies an ol' shooter he's seen.
He sets down by 'im, an' orders some gin,
an' sez, "Folks tell me yer mean."The ol' boy sez, "That's what some folks claim,
but I give it all up last year."
The young feller sez, "I'll give ya this gin
if you gimme some tips right here."The ol' boy sez, "Give y'tips fer what?"
An' the kid sez, "How t'shoot straight."
The ol' man sez, "Lemme see your piece."
An' the kid sez, "Don't tempt fate."I don't hand off my gun t'jist anyone else,
irregardless of 'is reputation.
Jist tell me some things that'll help me shoot straight,
an' do it in conversation."The old timer sez, "Well first off yer gun
is way too high t'draw fast.
If y'lower yer holster 'bout a foot-an' a half,
you never gonna be outclassed."The kid did jist that, his draw was a blur,
quicker'n y'blink yer eye.
Fired off a round at the man at the pie-anna,
an' shot off 'is little bow tie.The old man sez, "Here's another cute trick
that'll help out the talent y'got.
Cut a notch in yer holster where the hammer rests,
fer a clean smooth draw an' quick shot."That's what the kid did, and shot a cuff link off
the pie-anna man's left shirt sleeve.
He sez, "Gimme 'nother good tip, ol' man,
then I gotta git up an' leave."The old man sez, "Take this salt an' pepper,
an' some a' that butter over there,
an' rub it all over the length a' yer gun.
An' make sure y'do it with care.The kid sez, "Wait jist a cotton-pickin' minute!
Up t'now ever'thin's worked fine!
Is this gonna help me t'be a sure-shot,
or you steppin' over the line?"The old man sez, "Well, the number one reason
t'dress yer gun like a chicken wing,
is Doc Holliday gits through playin' this song,
he's gonna make you eat that thing!"