As heard on the Good Stuff wtih Jim Thompson

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

2. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

5. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

6. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

10. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

11. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass..'

12. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

13. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

14. A backward poet writes inverse.

15. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

16. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

17. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

18. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron..' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive