As heard on the Good Stuff with Jim Thompson

 

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it

was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will

merge.

 

An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300

years.

 

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the

overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of

Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces,

we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality

service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being

called.

 

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking

being the hardest hit.

 

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl,

currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming

unintelligible to a wider audience.

 

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the

message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens."

 

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus

and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

 

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three

hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave

milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A

breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be

Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

 

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the

competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all

present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."