Real Teachers
As heard on the Good Stuff with Jim Thompson

Gold SquareReal teachers cheer when they hear April 1 does not fall on a school day.

Gold SquareReal teachers never sit down without first checking the seat of the chair.

Gold SquareReal teachers drive older cars owned by credit unions.

Gold SquareReal teachers clutch a pencil while thinking and make notes in the margins of books.

Gold SquareReal teachers can’t walk past a crowd of kids without straightening up the line.

Gold SquareReal teachers grade papers in the car, during commercials, in faculty meetings, in the bathroom, and (at the end of the six weeks) have been seen grading in church.

Gold SquareReal teachers have disjointed necks from writing on boards without turning their backs on the class.

Gold SquareReal teachers are written up in medical journals for size and elasticity of kidneys and bladders.

Gold SquareReal teachers have been timed gulping down a full lunch in 2 minutes, 18 seconds. Master teachers can eat faster than that.

Gold SquareReal teachers can predict exactly which parents will show up at Open House.

Gold SquareReal teachers volunteer for hall duty on days faculty meetings are scheduled.

Gold SquareReal teachers never teach the conjugations of lie and lay to eighth graders.

Gold SquareReal teachers know it is better to seek forgiveness than to ask permission.

Gold SquareReal teachers know the best end of semester lesson plans can come from Blockbuster.

Gold SquareReal teachers never take grades after Wednesday of the last week of the nine weeks.

Gold SquareReal teachers never assign research papers on the last nine weeks or essays on final exams.

Gold SquareReal teachers know the shortest distance and the length of travel time from their classroom to the office.

Gold SquareReal teachers know the difference among what must be graded, what ought to be graded, and what probably should never again see the light of day.

Gold SquareReal teachers are solely responsible for the destruction of the rain forest.

Gold SquareReal teachers have their best conferences in the parking lot.

Gold SquareReal teachers have never heard an original excuse.

Gold SquareReal teachers buy Excedrin and Advil in bulk quantity at Costco or Sam’s Club.

Gold SquareReal teachers will eat anything that is put in the workroom or teacher’s lounge.

Gold SquareReal teachers never plan discussions for first period or cooperative groups for 7th during an evaluation.

Gold SquareReal teachers have the assistant principals’ and counselors’ home phone numbers.

Gold SquareReal teachers know secretaries and custodians really run the school.

Gold SquareReal teachers know the rules don’t really apply to them.

Gold SquareReal teachers hear the heartbeats of a crisis; always have time to listen; know they teach students, not subjects; and they are absolutely non-expendable.