1)    Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)
4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
7. Have aspirin ready in case you actually complete the act..
8. Make all the noise you want....the neighbors are deaf, too.
9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!. . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . . 
'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN...  Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
'OLD' IS WHEN....  You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN... You are cautioned to slow down by the
 doctor instead of by the police .
OLD' IS WHEN..  'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take a laxative today.
'OLD' IS WHEN....  'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot..
'OLD' IS WHEN...  An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.