Up until a couple weeks ago, I assumed the administrators of the NCAA
consisted of a bunch of beer-guzzling former jocks who sat around pondering
earth-shattering issues such as the 25-second shot clock, the infield-fly
rule and the diameter of Astroturf. I should have known better. Being merely
an adjunct of academia, and academia currently leaning further to the left
than a two-legged dog, it only makes sense that the NCAA would include a
Minority Opportunities and Interest Committee, not to mention an Executive
Subcommittee on Gender and Diversity Issues. I'm sure if we search the nooks
and crannies of the NCAA, we will find a Parliamentary Commission on Title
IX Mandates in Regard to Transgender Athletes with Paisley Headbands.

Therefore, I now understand why the NCAA has chosen to ban college teams
from post-season play if they insist on retaining nicknames, mascots,
uniforms, cheerleaders or embossed foam beer coolies which display monikers
deemed "hostile and abusive" to Native Americans. If your college football
team was an Indian, Brave, Ute, Redman, Choctaw, Sioux, Savage, Seminole, or
Illini, you are out of luck. You can either change your name or be banned
from the bowl games.

 

Frankly, I never knew what an Illini was. As for the Seminoles, well,
Florida Governor Jeb Bush has something to say about that. In brief, he
thinks the NCAA should change their name to the Whining Morons.

"I think they insult these people (Native Americans) by telling them 'No,
no, you're not smart enough to understand this. You should be feeling really
horrible about this.' It's ridiculous," said the Governor. "The folks that
make these decisions need to get out more often."

Florida State is suing the NCAA over this matter. They have a pretty good
case, especially since the Florida Seminole tribe both likes and wants their
name associated with Florida State football. The NCAA recognizes this fact,
but disavows its importance by saying there were OTHER Seminole tribes who
were offended. Obviously they must be referring to the legendary greater St.
Louis area Seminoles, no doubt a driving force in bingo. This is a clear
case of double political correctness, the first time in recent history an
organization consisting of fat old white guys has told an indigenous tribe
that they can't call themselves by their tribal name. It's the equivalent of
the Elks Club telling the Black Panthers that their logo is hurting the
feelings of Tiger Woods, and thus they will henceforth be known as "Up With
People."

The mastermind behind the NCAA's decision seems to be one Walter Harrison,
chair of the Executive Committee, president at the University of Hartford,
and rumored to be a renowned knitter of delightfully whimsical afghans and
throw rugs. "Colleges and universities may adopt any mascot they wish, as
that is an institutional matter, "said Harrison, sweat allegedly beading on
his forehead as he finished a particularly dangerous "knit one, pearl two"
maneuver possessing a 9.0 degree of difficulty. "But as a national
association, we believe the mascots, nicknames or images deemed hostile or
abusive in terms of race, ethnicity or national origin should not be visible
at the championship events that we control."

Indeed, gentle reader, make no mistake that we've got trouble. With a
capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for Political Correctness.
The NCAA is obviously striving to open wide the floodgates, starting with
the ban of names deemed "hostile or abusive" to Native Americans. But such
is just the beginning. The worst is yet to come.

 

The next target will be teams who apply their John Hancock with
anthropomorphic stylings. Be assured PETA will march for the elimination of
athletic squads who utilize the unlicensed image of beavers, owls, cougars,
wildcats and mustangs. The glorification of violent sport via the
unwarranted appropriation of the sobriquets of our animal friends will be
viewed as an atrocity of epic dimensions. Lions and tigers and bear...oh my!

Abandon all hope ye who enter here, for any team name in the nation is
potentially offensive to the thin-skinned minions of the PC gods. The
Battling Bishops of North Carolina State might be irritating to Catholics,
while the Deacons of Bloomdale College might bruise the feelings of
Baptists. What is to be made of the Black Bears at the University of Maine,
the Blackbirds of Long Island University, The Black Flies at College of the
Atlantic and the Black Knights of West Point.? Need I point out the hostile
intent and inherent disrespect for diversity exemplified in those
thoughtless designations? What about the Kansas Jayhawks? Having suffered at
the Yankee Jayhawker's hands during the Civil War, Missourians will be
outraged. What about the Illinois College Blue Boys? Shouldn't the feelings
of those who strongly dislike the circumspect brushstrokes of Thomas
Gainsborough paintings be taken under advisement?

The Purdue Boilermakers and the Vassar College Brewers should cease and
desist, as mention of their chosen handle might be all it takes to throw an
AA meeting into utter chaos. As for the poor Fighting Irish, do we really
want to foster the stereotype of inebriated leprechauns spoiling for
fisticuffs? Do not teams such as the Flying Queens of Wayland Baptist
University unwittingly imply a veiled slur against the gay population? The
Muslim world likely gasps in collective shock every time the heinous
Valparasio University Crusaders take the field. As for the Arkansas Tech
University Wonderboys, all we can do is shake our heads in fear and shame.
How dare the Wonderboys flaunt their intelligence in front all the
Averageboys out there? We're all supposed to be equal. That's what Hillary,
Kerry and Algore told us.

Of course, to combat the NCAA lunacy, the athletic departments under attack
can opt for any of three choices. The first, as demonstrated by Florida
State, is to sue. The second choice (and I would recommend this tactic in
dealing with the United Nations as well) is to resign post haste and tell
the NCAA to shove it. They should form their own organization, invite other
major teams to join, and play their own championship games. As Kevin Costner
taught us, "build it and they will come." They, in this case, refers to
large corporations who love to sponsor sporting events, and the TV networks
hungry to fill weekend broadcast slots with deep-pocketed advertisers.

The nuclear option, my personal favorite, is that the 18 teams singled out
by the NCAA should change their names to an indecipherable, unpronounceable
mess of symbols, lines, squiggles and dots. This is known in chess circles
as the Prince Gambit, with the result being that sports reporters, the NCAA
and color commentators would be forced to refer to them as "the team
formerly known as...."

Then again, for pure, in your face retribution, there is one final tactic.
Florida State could change but two letters in its name and transform
themselves into the "Seminals."

Just don't expect me to watch when they play the Trojans.