Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.   A guy who purchased his lovely
wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
 
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra
for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. 
  
The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...??
  
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
and forth between the prongs.
  
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave. 
  
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be
all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
   
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this
thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
  
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that
it would work as advertised.
  
Am I wrong?
  
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched
delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. 
   

The directions said that: 
  

  a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;
  
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; and 
   

a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a
fish out of water.   
   

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. 
  

  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than
3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute
really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
  
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
  
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to
say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil
ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst
just for heck of it.
  
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...
  
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!!
  
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left
arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat
was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame
hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my
body flopping all over the living room.
  
 Note: 
If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, 
one note of caution: 
  
There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let
go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about
on the floor! 
A three second burst would be considered conservative! 
   

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. 
  

*        My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. 
*        The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. 
*        My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. 
*        My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88
lbs. 
*        I had no control over the drooling. 
*        Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my
sense of smell was gone. 
*        I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. 

  I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return!
  
 PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now
regularly threatens me with it!
   

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!