As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the
roof and gets stuck.
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Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that
apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
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I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn
and cross it deliberately.
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is
that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them
together is certain death.
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell
will break loose. it'll be much harder to detect.
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say
that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
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It's never just a game when you're winning.
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Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When
you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
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The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere,
someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there
on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
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Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are
stupider than that.
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely
scattered light by morning.
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do
freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
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When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents
in, what happens to the other penny?
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I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.


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