"It's fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because today, we

recognize nuts. And tomorrow, on April 15, we pay our taxes to support



"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no,

prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to

incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."


"Nobody likes taxes, but they've been around forever. Taxes date back all

the way back to the year one, when baby Jesus was visited by two wise men

and an IRS agent, who demanded half the family's frankincense."


"When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that

get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us."


"The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox

users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified.

It's difficult to tell."


"So, it's pretty crazy. Look, we're bailing out Wall Street, we're bailing

out banks, we're bailing out car companies. In fact, did you know there's a

special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion

of your taxes to actually go to running the government?"


"The latest income-tax form has been greatly simplified. It consists of only

three parts: (1) How much did you make last year? (2) How much have you got

left? (3) Send amount listed in part 2."


"Congress does some strange things. it puts a high tax on liquor and then

raises the other taxes that drive people to drink."