This article is done with proper respects to Max and David Kienzler for their prior works of a Biblical Baseball Lineup Satire from roughly a year ago.

You can read and compare here .

This article was assisted and roughly rounded out with the help of Jacob Stewert.

Much the same to the Kienzlers' version of the lineup, ours will go in the batting order in which they appear.

We also will follow their criteria for picking players and managers as the Kienzlers did.

[So without further ado, here are the rules outlining our criteria for the Biblical baseball team:

  • All players had to be religious (biblical) figures (that are of God and not necessarily just in the Bible)
  • The team had to be an American League team 
  • God could not participate (We wouldn't have a fair and just umpire... I mean, seriously, who else would judge fairly?) 
  • The player had to be tangible]

Umpiring Crew

The umpiring crew for God represent some of the best judges of biblical history and mankind.

  • Home Plate: God (The Holy Spirit and Father trade off game to game)
  • First Base: Samuel (although Eli always seems to be critical of his calls from the stands)
  • Second Base: Gideon (sometimes gets a bit antsy with close calls and is unsure of himself)
  • Third Base: Othniel (has quite a level head and helps keep the players calm on close plays)

The DQ'd

First off, we recognize those players from the Kienzlers lineup that wouldn't make the cut and are disqualified in this edition under the revised rules.

  • Designated Hitter: Goliath (not of God)
  • Catcher: Pestilence (a plague, not a person)
  • Utility Player No. 2: Frank Christ (Who in the world is Frank Christ?!)
  • Starting Pitcher No. 4: Cain (not of God)
  • Closer: Judas (although the reasoning made sense, he did kinda betray the Son of God)
  • Shortstop: Mohammed (SURELY not of God)

Starting Lineup

Batting first and playing 2nd Base: John the Baptist

Kienzler: [He was quick to follow Jesus and was a leader in the movement, which should probably make him quick to get out of the batters box and quick enough to steal bases.]

Not to mention, he was the one who paved the way for the big guy that was to come.

Batting second and playing center field: Jesus Christ

Kienzler: [He can track down any ball hit in his direction and if he can rise from the dead, you know he can rise up a wall to steal a home run. And he is, predictably, a big sacrifice guy. Sac bunt, sac fly... whatever it takes to move the runner over or to manufacture a run.]

Although we resisted the urge to put him at "clean up" (fourth in the batting order) due to him washing and cleansing our sins, we felt his sacrifice is something he physically did, whereas the cleansing of our sins was more metaphorical.

Also, you have to wonder who would have more faith, better future sight, and have a better face for the franchise than Son of Man himself.

Batting third and playing right field: Joseph

Kienzler: [First off, you know he will look spiffy in whatever uniform the Biblical team wears. I mean the man can pull of the technicolor look. Second, with his ability to anticipate the future, he will get a better jump on the ball than anyone ('cept his center field counterpart) making his defense more than solid.]

His foresight is invaluable in right field and Joseph would keep fighting (like working the count out of a 0-2 hole.)

He would eventually go on to be second in command (Vizir) under only Pharaoh, which would make sense to put him "in the hole" as the precursor to the muscle of the lineup.

Batting fourth and playing as the designated hitter: Samson

Kienzler: [Since this team is backed by God, they are like the anti-Yankees, so thus long hair is allowed which is where Sampson gets most of his power from.]

Kienzler put it best, besides there is NO way one of the strongest men ever, especially of Godly stature, would ever play anywhere near New York. Not to mention, his power makes sense batting "clean up."

Batting fifth and playing first base: Jacob

A new player to the lineup, you have to consider that Jacob fought with God on the banks of the Jabbok River.

Taking that into account, you have to have a lot of beans to tango with the big guy—which may result in him getting tossed from a game or two seeing as God is the umpire—however, his strength and perseverance is too good to pass up.

However, he has his slumps now and then.

Batting sixth and playing catcher: Noah

You got to admit, catching is a tedious job. As would be collecting two of every animal and the building of an ark. Noah's veteran presence solidifies the middle of the order.

Batting seventh and playing third base: Elijah

Elijah has become one of those veteran players that will surely go to the Hall of Fame.

His ability to back up what he says makes him a key power player for the team. His influence is unparalleled by any other player.

Although he has a tendency to mouth off at umpires at times, he is given a little leeway being the savvy veteran player he is.

Batting eighth and playing left field: David

Kienzler: [If he can hit Goliath with a pebble from across a field, you know he can throw a perfect one-hopper to the plate. Not going to get a lot of baserunners to test him. Small guy though, more of a contact hitter than anything.]

Once again Kienzler's scouting is quite accurate as David has proven to have a great arm and quite the good boy story—however, his issues and scandals off the field cost him a lot of public favor down the line.

Batting ninth and playing shortstop: Isaac

Although Kienzler has Isaac as the third member of the rotation, we decided that would not work.

Besides, Isaac eventually went blind and gave his inheritance to the wrong son. We thought that with Abraham being in high places, Isaac got the "coach's son" treatment and was given a spot he may not have entirely deserved.

Bench

Utility Player No. 1: Daniel

Kienzler: [On the plus side, he survived in a Lions den so you know the man is fearless. On the negative side, he didn't actually do anything physically amazing to defeat the Lions so you have to question his abilities.]

His faith in his ability gives him the underdog spirit that is "never say die."

Utility Player No. 2: Job

The most likely rightful shortstop, but Job is always crap out of luck in the Bible. With that said, having the coach's son start over you only seems fitting.

He also isn't paid enough and some wonder if he's simply being benched to test his willingness to contribute to the team despite the capacity in which he is helping.

Utility Player No. 3: Mattias

Mattias is the irrelevant player on the team. He was selected as the replacement to Judas after Christ ascended into Heaven. However, despite his high role he was placed into, he hasn't quite lived up to the hype. Like a high draft pick that was paid too much, and now the team is stuck with the bill.

Coaching Staff

Head Coach: Solomon

Kienzler: [A great king, Solomon possesses wisdom and power, which should keep all the players in line and together. Although his leadership did lead to the split of his great kingdom so there could be problems in the long term.]

Can't really doubt the smartest man to ever live. Solomon knows how to lead on the field, but he let girls in the clubhouse which has given the league something to think about.

General Manager: Abraham

Kienzler: [The Patriarch of all, Abraham is old school and will know how to build a team up from scratch. He will also have unwavering faith (which could be said for most of the players).]

The perfect General Manager to keep Solomon's head on straight and probably the one with the best eye for talent.

His favoritism towards his son Isaac has caused quite a stir around the league, however.

Assistant Head Coach : Aaron

When Moses spoke to the people of Egypt, he was very fierce towards them. As such, Aaron spoke to the people to calm them and speak well to them.

Aaron is great the assistant coach for one-on-one pep talks as well as inspiring them before a game. Besides, who would be able to calm down a dugout better on a day where Coach Solomon gets ejected?

Groundskeeper: Paul

Laid the groundwork for the Christian church; only makes sense that he prepare the grounds for the field. Besides, he's quite picky with how his field looks.

Home Field: Eden

Imagine the field of dreams without a rainout and a built-in sprinkler and irrigation system. This in turn makes Paul's job a lot easier.

Pitching Rotation, Set up and Closer

No. 1 and the Ace: Peter

Kienzler: [My brother said it best, "Rock of our Church, Rock of our rotation"]

And rightfully so.

The Kienzlers made a comment about Cain as one of the pitchers being the only pitcher to bean someone to prove a point. However, Peter was also known for cutting off a Roman guard's ear in protection of Jesus.

With that in mind, Peter looks out for his own and will defiantly send a message if he feels his team is threatened.

No. 2 and the Inning Eater: Joshua

Kienzler: [Listen, if he can bring down the walls of Jericho by marching around it seven times, he can bring the heat for at least seven innings.]

Amen Kienzlers.

No. 3 and the Feared: Elisha

Being of the same mold of Elijah, Elisha has quite a mean streak if provoked.

In Two Kings 2:23-25, (which just so happens to be one of my favorite passages) Elisha calls down a curse on some kids/youth who in retrospect tell him to go die.

Two "she bears" then proceed to come out of the woods and maul the 42 kids/youth (teenagers most likely).

With that in mind, it is quite possible many batters would rather put down a bunt or take a strikeout or a walk. Hitting a long ball or mouthing off about his pitch position might prove to be unwise in the grand scheme of things.

No. 4 and the Descendant Joseph (Husband of Mary, Jesus' mother)

Jesus' mom wants the step-dad to get more time with Jesus doing something they can both enjoy.

With Joseph having a family tie to David, the game is definitely in his blood and, as such, isn't a foreign concept to him. However, much like after Jesus' early years, Joseph doesn't stick around much in games.

No. 5 and the Sandlot Pick-up: James (Son of Zebedee)

Much like Smalls from The Sandlot , James was just an ordinary kid with his brother John until the likes of a Benny Rodriguez (or in this case, Jesus Christ) invited him along.

James soon enough became a part of the team where his brother is still in the minor league system looking to catch up with his older brother.

James sticks with the sport, but isn't "lights out" like some of the pitchers in the league.

Set-up: Jeremiah

Kienzler: [Resilient, Jeremiah warned people before bad things happened (such as the Babylonians invading). For our team, he is warning the hitters that our closer is coming, which is bad news for them. He also is a bit cooky, wearing an egg yoke around his neck sometimes. Nothing like a weird pitcher to make hitters nervous.]

I tried to think of a better set-up guy, but this just makes perfect sense. John the Baptist could arguably go here, but being the precursor of Christ just makes sense and his speed works better at second then as the set-up.

  1. Closer : Moses

The Kienzlers had Moses as the MVP of the team at first base, although his concept of "delivering" just was too good to pass up as the team's last guy to turn off the lights.

Besides, who wouldn't be scared of man who wields flaming tornadoes and the ability bring plagues upon his opponents? Judas would be frightening, but Moses brings a fury that no batter wants to face.