I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people.
I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels
and let the problem work itself out.


I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move
out of the way much faster now.


You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.
If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.


You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really
like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.


I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.


I didn't make it to the gym today.

That makes five years in a row.


I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed

it the Jim, I feel so much better saying I went to the jim

this morning!


Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers,

if you find one, what's your plan?